To Act As A Father
by QianYun
Summary: Jiraiya's POV Inspired by episode 87. Companion to His Arms For those of you who don't know, describes what happens when Naruto vanishes. Jiraiya's thoughts on Naruto throughout the time when they look for Tsunade. R


Disclaimer: My second one and already I hate this word. Naruto does not belong to me. And my wish that it will be, will never be fulfilled.  
  
Author's Note: This is a companion to my first fic. You don't have to read "His Arms", but there are a lot more details on what happened in Konoha. I don't mention Naruto's name at all here. (6/27/04 Alright I looked it over with a comment from AznSage, I did mention his name. But it was sort of hard _not_ too at the parts that I did. I tried, subconciously anyway. I didn't really think about it until I was over halfway done. 'shrug' ) Don't ask me why, well you could, but the answer might not come.  
  
This was inspired by Episode 87 as you will be able to tell.  
  
Dedicated to Naloeke for being my first reviewer (and for putting me on her favorites, I still can't believe it)  
  
And dedicated to Seito, for being with me. At midnight in my time and at 6 in hers. And of course for letting me beta her stuff. And being my second reviewer (of course I only have two, but it's the thought that counts)  
  
Warnings: Spoilers for epi 87 and the latest manga chapter although exclusively to 171, then skips to the very latest. Although it doesn't go too in depth.  
  
Wow, no pairing warnings...interesting.  
  
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To Act As A Father --- The La/=/er  
  
I was a old fifty something aged man. I had to admit, I was not the best person for someone to look up to. The three taboos of a ninja that I told to him were alcohol, women, and money. I loved all three. And the time that I had spent with him traveling when I told him the three taboos is a time I will never forget. A time when it was just me and the legend that my student passed down. A legend that was to surpass even his own greatness. At that time I had barely brushed the surface of what he would be able to do. Something that I regreted. I was unable to see him grow, for I wasn't there. Then and afterwards. When I was there, I had told him to stop acting like a kid, to act like what he was, a professional ninja. I had forgotten that he was never able to be a kid. I had forgotten that those snatches of time when he acted foolishly and carelessly were the only times that he could be a kid.  
  
The time I went with him to search for Tsunade was the best time we had. It was the only time we had together. Even though I didn't realize that, I still acted like a foolish pervert. He called me ero-sennin every time he talked to me. Haha, perverted hermit, even while I was trying to get him to call me by my name, that name stuck to me. It was something that only he called me, something that no one else would dare to do. I was fond of the little guy, when you spend enough time around him, anyone would start to look at him differently. And there were always moments in time when I saw his mask of cheerfulness drop. Especially when I had told him to train alone. I, in my own way, ridiculed him, not fully realizing that what he wanted wasn't my help to learn, but my presence. Just simply my presence as an older man to look up to. To look to as a father.  
  
When I had sent him off to buy food for me, I followed. I knew he was tired, I'd sneaked looks at him throughout his times of training. His hands trembled, time after time. But he never gave up. It was then that I really realized that he never gave up, on anything. Even when Sasuke was looking for revenge, turning himself against Naruto, he never gave up on Sasuke. He stayed with him, as a rival, as a friend. He worried for him because if Sasuke was gone, he would not be able to get Sasuke to acknowledge him. That was his ultimate goal, for everyone to acknowledge him. Not as the Kyuubi's vessel, but as Naruto, a child whose life was sacrificed to save the rest that lived. Don't take that the wrong way, he didn't die. He obviously didn't die. But he lived a life that was not fit for a child. He lived a life that had few companions.  
  
So when I saw him looking at the father and child who were sharing a double popsicle stick, I saw his loneliess and I understood his reasoning. He asked me later on to supervise his training again, but I gave an excuse. I gave an excuse and then reprimanded him. I told him that if he couldn't do it alone, he wouldn't be able to do it. I reminded him not to seek attention like a child. I did all this and watched his head drop, I watched his eyes fill with pain. And I watched him put up his mask of artificial happiness. When I left him alone again, I felt regret, but never guilt. I did what I thought was best for him, but even if I did do what I thought was best, it still hurt. It hurt to see him in pain, especially when it was a pain that I could've relieved, at least momentarily. When I went back to the inn that night, I saw his arms wrapped in order to try to ease the pain that came from releasing chakra. I saw him shake and tremble in his sleep, feeling the pain run through his body even then.  
  
The next day I followed him to the place where he trained. And then I waited, waited and watched. In a classic move that was all him, he started to talk to himself. He thought out loud and as he did so, he realized. I could see almost the exact moment that he realized what he had to do. When he did so, I saw his chakra flare. Seeing that made me realize the amount of chakra he had. The amount of blue/yellow (1) chakra he possessed. Not the angry red that belonged to the Kyuubi, but his own human chakra that would have supported him alone if the Kyuubi was not sealed within him. Simply because it was visible to me proved a lot. Although it was not to the visibilty of the Chidori, it was still a power that no regular 12 year old would have. And that power hurt. He saw and realized that in order to explode the rubber ball, he needed to hold the amount of chakra that would cause him to feel pain. An extreme pain that raced through every nerve of his body. He had to hold it in him until there was enough, until he felt enough pain that signaled that he gathered enough chakra. He was on the verge of the edge of his available chakra when he released it.  
  
It was not enough, only a hole was made in the ball, it didn't explode like when I exerted my chakra. But he had been doing this for weeks, with only a few hours of rest in between. His chakra potential was not at its peak when he succeeded. He still stayed on his feet though, he was ready to try it again once more. Despite that in his own words it "hurt like hell" (2). It was at that time that I stepped out complimenting that he was able to make a bit of progress. He turned and squinted his eyes, proclaiming that it didn't even blow up like the balloon. When he squinted like that, it meant that he was hiding, hiding an emotion that he did not want others to see. When I told him to stop acting so tough, and snapped the popsicle into two, he had a shocked look on his face. I told him that he did a good job coming so far on his own. And he smiled, he smiled the simple smile that said everything that I was hoping for. He took the popsicle and along with me, put it in his mouth. That moment where we first ate the popsicle was one that I hold in my heart even now. That moment where he was really happy, happy in a way that every child should be. The simple happiness that came from someone doing a simple action for them, but an action that they waited for, for so long.  
  
I introduced him to the end of the second stage after that. To concentrate chakra in his hand, using only a focus point on his palm. He succeeded, he always did. But this time he went so far as to burn his hand. The amount of power he had...was simply amazing. By the time he had succeeded the second stage and went on to the third, I had found Tsunade and so had the third member of the legendary Sannin. Passing a gamble machine on our way to find her, he inserted a coin. When he ran to catch up to me, his frog purse was full. With a single coin he showed that he had an amazing amount of luck. And as I thought about his luck, I realized that despite all that he went through, he had things that most kids wished for. In order to balance out the identity that the village gave to him, he got the luck to gain another identity that he built himself. To this day, wherever he is, he is still building up that identity.  
  
By the time we found her, she had already seen Orochimaru, who offered her a chance to get something back, something that she missed dearly. And a chance to protect the village that she came from. I told her of the decision the village elders came to that proposed that she would become the fifth Hokage. As she declined the offer, she degraded the things the previous Hokage did. She was afraid, she was scarred. She had lost her two most precious people to the dream of Hokage. He became inflamed when he heard her speak of the Hokages dieing with foolishness. They fought, although I wouldn't call it much of a fight. And in the moment where he proclaimed that he would become Hokage, Tsunade saw her precious people in him.  
  
She saw in him the passion that existed in those whose ultimate dream was to become Hokage. To become Hokage to protect that which they loved most. So, she made a deal. When she saw him attempt to create Rasengan she spoke, she spoke and she made him even more furious. Foolishly he said that he would master the Rasengan in three days. She gave him a week. If he succeeded, she would acknowledge that he would be able to become Hokage. If he succeeded, she would give him the precious necklace that belonged to the first Hokage. Underlying those two promises was the unspoken words that she would go back to Konoha. And of course, if he failed, she would get to keep all of his money. She lived up to her name, she had much to lose, but little to gain. To part with her necklace was the ultimate promise.  
  
So he trained. He trained long and hard. He had little success in the first few days of the week. He moved slowly. during the time he trained, he learned of Tsunade's past, and he persevered. He tried to work harder, harder than before, if it was possible. On the third day, he was able to create a steady ball of chakra, but it was missing chakra, it missing a bit of power. It was too loose, it lost chakra every minute it stayed in his hand. He didn't come back to the inn a lot. I spent most of my days drinking with Tsunade. Watching her. Unfortunately, I didn't watch her enough for she drugged me, leaving me to wake up in pain the next morning.  
  
The last morning, the seventh day. I went back to the inn to find him and Shizune trying to leave to catch up to Tsunade. Tsunade met up with Orochimaru, to heal his arms and to get back the ones she loved most. What we didn't know was that she turned out to be the best person to become the fifth Hokage, for when she said she would heal him, she was actually went to him with the intent to kill. She knew, even while some part of her hoped, that Orochimaru would not fulfill his promises. What came next was a full blown battle. One between the legendary Sannin and our two...students if you will. He fought, fought with all he had. He got injured, just like the rest of us did. But he got injured protecting Tsunade from a hit that would've caused her death. He fought with Kabuto and at the end of the fight, he showed that he had mastered the Rasengan. He mastered the move that took the Fourth Hokage three years to complete, in a few months.  
  
When he fell, Orochimaru went after him, and in return, Tsunade protected him. In that moment, she declared that she would do what all the Hokage before her did. She would protect those precious to her. She would protect Konoha. Then came a fight that had all three of us summoning our animals. Orochimaru with his snake, Tsunade with her slug and me with my toad. Orochimaru was lucky to have a faithful follower like Kabuto, without him, he would've achieved nothing. For he used Kabuto's arms and his blood to summon his snake. We fought.  
  
We fought to the point where not only our animals were fighting, but also ourselves. Tsunade punched out Orochimaru with her amazing strength. With that punch, his skin partially ripped off. Then he fled, he fled with Kabuto, promising to return. I did not get off lightly from the fight; I had broken a rib and a leg. Pain wracked my body, but I held strong. We rested after that. Tsunade had used up so much power that she was unable to keep up her young appearance. When he and Tsunade finally got together to fight. It didn't actually occur. She already considered him to be strong, strong enough to one day become Hokage. That day, we left for home, for Konoha.  
  
I was in Konoha long enough to see him and Tsunade settle somewhat in Konoha. And then I left. I left before Tsunade was able to heal Sasuke and Kakashi, I left before I saw the fight between him and Sasuke. I left before Sasuke betrayed our village, only to be brought back weeks later by him. (3) I left without saying good-bye.  
  
I knew that I was a father figure in his life. I was different from Iruka and Kakashi. I taught him something that no one else would've been able to. But I wasn't a father. I didn't understand many things. The only thing I was able to help him with was to grow into his power. I watched him grow those few short weeks. His power, his strength grew with each day. But his spirit, his spirit was the same. And when Sasuke left, it him hard. But he didn't give up, it wasn't his ninja way. It hit me the day he disappeared that I wasn't there to help him. I wasn't there to do what I could to help the legend my student left behind.  
  
What was worse was that I had no idea if he lived or not. By the time I had heard the news about his disappearance, weeks had passed. I hurried to Konoha as fast as I could. I arrived in time to see Sasuke return. It startled me to see him. He was...different. I had heard about his actions. Had heard that he was still bitter for being dragged back to the village where he could not gain the power he wanted. That day that I saw him, I did not see the bitter avenger that was stolen from his chosen path, I saw a boy who was lost. A boy whose lifeline laid in his best friend, in his rival, in the person that did all that he could to bring him back to the village.  
  
When I walked through the village, it felt different. It felt like there was a hole in the life of the villagers. The first few days I was in Konoha, his disappearance did not affect me much. I hadn't been with him for a long time. But I soon felt the pain. I soon felt the emptiness that everyone else was feeling. It wasn't an emptiness that could swallow a person up, he didn't have that effect...yet. But it was an emptiness, one that I didn't want to feel again. It was the same pain I felt when I was betrayed by Orochimaru. This pain had a different edge to it though.  
  
Where I felt betrayed by Orochimaru, I felt desperation alongside the empitness. I still feel it even to this day. For three years I searched for him. I searched for him in hopes that I could bring him back. Even without knowing whether he had lived or died, I searched. Time after time, I asked myself questions I could not answer about his disappearance. I did not feel guilt, I did not feel that what I did had affected him in a way to cause him to leave. I did not hold such significance. I had not seen him for two years.  
  
But I felt regret, I did not spend time with him. Perhaps I was thinking selfishly, but I always thought that there would be time enough to spend with him. I didn't think he would vanish. I stayed away because I thought that if I waited just a bit more, meeting back up with him would hold even more satisfaction. Being able to see him all grown up after years without contact, was what I wanted. I didn't know that I was going to miss my only chance to become a father that I never could. I didn't know that I wouldn't be able to guide him in those callous ways of mine. I didn't know, but I wish so much that I did.  
  
And then the day came. He came back. But no one knew. No one realized. Not even me.  
  
---- Owari ----  
  
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(1) In the manga chakra is yellow, in the anime it's blue, I couldn't decide. Yellow would look weird on the tv screen wouldn't it? ( or rather computer screen in most cases)  
  
(2) Got it from Anbu/Aone's version. I don't know japanese, just bits and pieces.  
  
(3) From this sentence, it's made up. Not in the manga. Not there yet.  
  
Ending Notes- As you can tell, there is going to be a sequel. That will 99.999% be SasuNaru, and if you read my first fic, you'll know why. Heck, if you've seen my favorites, you'll know why. The story went off track, like the last one. It was supposed to be short! And I wasn't going to do all the spoilers. Hoped you liked the story. I can't believe I did a fic in Kurenai's POV and now Jiraiya, so weird...  
  
6/18/04 9:38:44 p.m. to 6/19/04 12:17:39a.m. (Give or take a few minutes since my sister kicked me off)  
  
EDIT(6/26/04)- The sequel is to be co-written with Setio on the account of Na Hoku. And I repeat! Not editing anything despite what AznSage criticizes (I said this in Oro's Wish, I don't think she expects it tho) Unless there's something major. 


End file.
